Happy Saturday!

Hello D.W.D.I. Family!

     I hope you all had a happy Friday! Whoo hoo for the weekend! Yes, y'all, I am up WAY past my bedtime again but I just wanted to "talk" to y'all for a bit.  How are y'all doing? Is everyone doing okay? If you are, I am so happy for you! If you are not, it's OKAY! I've been in that situation for quite some time and we will get through it together until we all have our breakthroughs.  Regardless, we are here together to support each other as brothers and sisters in Christ, am I right?

    Well, I have no profound thoughts of wisdom for y'all, and I apologize.  I feel that the Bible is far more profound than I am, or could ever dream of being, so I figured I would just leave y'all with some great Bible verses to help start the weekend off right.  Here it is:

Deuteronomy 31:6-"So be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid and do not panic before them.  For the LORD your God will personally go ahead of you.  He will neither fail you nor abandon you."

Wow! Moses conveyed a powerful message to the Israelites before Joshua took command that is STILL applicable to our lives today.  We all have to hold on and not give up for God has not given up on us!

    Okay, it is time for me to sleep so I have any chance of making my gym classes tomorrow.  Glad I can still go to that because my body aches and depression would be much worse without these workouts! My health is what is most important, physical, emotional, and spiritual.  This goes for y'all, too!  Enjoy your day, and I will ttys!

Love,
CCC

No more hiding

Hey D.W.D.I. Family!

    I know I've been away for some time, and I pray that you all will forgive my absence.  To be honest, I have had a lot going on over the past few months. From family illnesses to friends losing jobs.  I have even had my own freelance work being reduced to nothing not because I did poor work but because the person in charge keeps the work for himself.  This job helped me pay my bills (including my unexpected medical bills and my necessary montly prescription that still does not have a generic form yet, smh) and helped me become more independent so it's been a very difficult hit financially.  Even now, I cannot help anyone else or myself really and I have a large student loan bill due in a week that I have no way of paying, and that's after getting my payment lowered.  I was so thankful when that job came along to pay that bill but now the struggles I went through to keep that account current, including working on another project that is never-ending and trying to start my own business doing the same work, just won't come through for me on time.  I have other friends in similar situations regarding their finances.  I really had hoped to talk to you all again in happier times and figured it would be soon, but soon has not been as soon as I would have liked and it has been tiring.

   Honestly, D.W.D.I. Family, I am just tired and I feel spent from doing all of this scrambling for the past few months while trying to take care of myself physically and just live.  I feel that life has been getting to me slowly but surely.  It is tiring worrying about aging grandparents.  It is tiring worring about a brother who does not understand that life is tougher than it looks and that he needs to buckle down.  It is tiring dealing with my parents' struggles.  It is tiring watching people around me, including myself, struggle to find jobs or to make ends meet.  Even the church I was going to just seemed to not have a good message for me anymore, which prompted a fruitless church search.  I also participated in a Bible Study to help with dealing with disappointment and worry but that had to be temporarily stopped due to reasons out of our control.

     I think that all of these mounting worries and pressures have made it hard for me to be motivated for interviews or for completing this project because I just feel so drained.  I have already asked and burdened my parents enough so I feel like this added stress is too much with everything else we have going on financially.  I have been trying to maintain relationships with other people, including friends and family and my special "friend" (more details about him in future happier times).  I just feel that I have given and given to the point where I have nothing left to give.  I am battling feeling hurt and left by God.  I have been for some time but have only admitted it recently.  My faith has wained but I know that I still have a mustard seed amount left.  I have wondered for quite some times if God just was not hearing my prayers or why he has said no to me for every job for which I have interviewed.  My head keeps hearing the lies from the enemy by worrying and crying over losing yet something else; yet, my heart keeps telling me to hold on because God loves me, will never leave me, and he will provide for my needs.  It is making it harder to appreciate the little things, but I am happy to say that I had some good laughs with friends and family today.  It reminded me of my carefree pre-student loan debt days, lol!  It has even made it hard for me to blog to you all because I felt unworthy of writing to you all again.  I have even just tried to walk away for feeling unworthy but I feel God pulling me back to you all.

   If I have not said it before, I will say it now: I am not perfect.  I am far from it actually.  I make mistakes EVERY DAY and I do not want y'all to think otherwise.  I am a normal person just like y'all and I am striving to do better each day.  I think that at this point I just need God to fill me like he did Elijah and Jesus and countless others both past and present.  I need a breakthrough.  My friends need breakthroughs.  It is just a matter of lasting until it happens, I have realized, rather than thinking that it may not happen.  It is about believing that every believer out there will regain every thing the enemy has stolen from us as Job did.  It is about allowing God to carry our burdens, ending our worrying, and holding on to that mustard seed of faith Jesus speaks of in Matthew.  It is easier said than done but I am tired of doing anything else, y'all.

    My mustard seed of faith prompted me to search the Internet for "God" and "unanwered prayers."  I found this post.  I feel that it helped to give me peace so I wanted to link you all to it: God has not forgotten you-Chosen One Minstries.  This post is lengthy but worth reading, even if broken into sections.  It blessed me today when I have been feeling my lowest and I pray that it blesses you all, too.

Be blessed, and I will talk to you soon!

Love,
CCC

Have you ever just been too tired to do anything?

This was me earlier this evening, except in my bed.

Hello D. W. D. I. Family!

I hope that everyone had a great day and a lovely evening!  

Okay, have any of you all been so tired that you just could not do anything? Maybe not just physically, but just mentally or emotionally drained to the point where you just felt that just trying to do something would wear you out even more?  Well, that was me today.  I felt just physically and emotionally drained.  I was physically drained because of the fibromyalgia.  I believe it makes me more sensitive to cold weather and it makes me fairly miserable during the winter months because my muscles ache, my joints are stiff, and I feel even more tired than normal.  I felt emotionally drained just from my (unsuccessful) job search and family stress (it is a LONG story but I will say that it is super important to NEVER, EVER allow anyone, even a family member, to discourage you or to keep you from being all that God has called you to be because of their own issues).  All of this just seemed to combine today and I just felt exhausted.  I managed to get out one more application, but everything after that was a no-go.  I sat there wondering, "Should I keep going for certain jobs for which I am qualified? Should I aim for lower positions? Should I switch my profession all together after waiting so long to become licensed?"

I slept for a while and I am currently resting.  I have also decided to try to find something in the Bible to study and apply to my situation.  I think the following verses from Isaiah work:

Isaiah 40:6-8 -A voice says, “Cry out.”    And I said, “What shall I cry?”“All people are like grass,    and all their faithfulness is like the flowers of the field. The grass withers and the flowers fall,    because the breath of the Lord blows on them.    Surely the people are grass. The grass withers and the flowers fall,    but the word of our God endures forever.”  

Well, I am glad that God's word endures forever.  That is always wonderful.  People will fail you.  You will fail yourself.  Fortunately, God never fails any of us.  

I will also say that I definitely feel like a blade of grass right now.  I feel like God has tested me (and continues to do so) and the stresses of the world do take a lot out of me physically and emotionally.  I also think that the stresses of the world make it more difficult for me to withstand God's "blowing." I think all of this causes doubt and shakes up my faith.  I think I am at the point where I realize that God will work everything out in the end and it will be for my good and his glory.  I am still grappling with turning over everything completely to God and letting him have his way in my life.  I can honestly say that nothing has turned out the way that I thought it would.  Not all of it has been bad/difficult/frustrating but I definitely feel like I am in a windstorm and have been in one for quite some time.  I just think everything just kind of caught up with me today and appeared as exhaustion.  I definitely feel like God has been blowing on a lot of people I care about as well and we are just all trying to bunch together to stay grounded and hold on.  We will make it.  You will make it.  Why? Because God promises that he has plans to prosper us, not to harm us.  He will NEVER put more on us than we can bare.  He will NEVER leave us, nor forsake us.  He will is with us so we should have NO FEAR.  I think that remembering these promises helps make the "blowing" easier to withstand and makes my roots steadier. 

Your thoughts on any of this?

Well, I will get back to resting.  I just wanted to share my thoughts on this and I hope that it encourages you all to keep on holding on! Take care and I will ttys!

Love,

CCC

Online Dating, Part 4: Didn't see this coming.

Good afternoon D.W.D.I. Family!


     Hope everyone is having a happy and productive Friday! Okay, this post is a continuation of my misadventures in online dating.  What's with my title? Well, let me explain, dear family.


     Okay, so in case you didn't know,  I finally dropped that "someone wonderful" like a bad habit about a month ago.  I'm talking COLD TURKEY here folks! He had it coming though.  I'm not talking about out of spite, but just based on his actions.  A man cannot disappear on a girl for about a month then text her out of the blue and expect good things.  That's not how it works in dating! He is suppose to pursue me.  Not calling and not texting is not good.  Even worse, when I called him to tell him about how those things made me feel, he had the nerve to say "Well, you didn't call me either." What? Excuse me? I actually did call and text him for a couple of days but got no response. Plus, why get defensive unless you KNEW you were wrong.  He showed a lack of caring for my second examination failure and then said he was just in a bad mood because of work.  Blaming his relationship inadequacies on work didn't cut it anymore.  I told him I was sorry I ever called him and that maybe I would talk to him at some point.  That some point came the next day when I texted him and said it was over.  He should have really thought about things before being so disrespectful.  I am looking to be someone's Ruth or someone's Proverbs 31 Wife of Noble Character, not someone's distraction when he feels bored or lonely.  I was not a priority to him and he is definitely not a priority to me anymore.  


   In between that fiasco, I started seeing someone else.  He's a nice guy and a devout Christian.  He's educated and very kind.  He pursued me and made me feel special.  That's EXACTLY what I've been looking for this whole time! So, what's the problem? He has a crazy work schedule. UGH!  Again, what is it with me and men with crazy work hours?! He's been so busy we haven't seen each other.  Plus, I've been busy with studying and with other things going on (like not being able to go to the library like before because a family car broke down and it's been rough trying to get it fixed...If it's not one thing, it's another).  And, I figured that if he's no longer interested, he'd just stop contacting me.  It's a shame, but men do that nowadays whether you meet them online or not.  I'm sure women do that, too, because I've done it after something went HORRIBLY wrong (please see my previous dating posts for those disasters), but not when things seem to be going great, which is what I've experienced.  We've chatted about every week online and last night we both seem unsure of where things are or where they are going due to his work schedule and my situation.  


    Additionally, I have to admit that while I know I technically can see other people, I'm not really open to getting to know someone right now. This has totally taken me for a loop.  I guess I've realized that it's difficult for me to open up and share pieces of myself and my life with someone only to have that someone not fully appreciate me for doing so.  It does get harder to just dust yourself off and throw yourself back into another possible relationship, especially when guys I've met online just seem to have endless choices for women and have just stopped communicating with no warning.  I really don't meet men my own age at the gym or at other places like in the "old days" so I guess I may be just ready to bow out of the dating game for a while.  I guess I just feel like all of this has been a waste of time in many aspects but that's not true.  I've realized that I'm beautiful and worth pursuing.  The right man will pursue me because I have a good head on my shoulders and I love the Lord.  I know that God's timing is not mine so I need to wait on Him.  And, that as a child of God, I don't have to settle for just anyone.  God has only wonderful plans for me to prosper and He has no intent of causing me harm.  I have a right to be loved and respected by a man and the right man will receive that from me in return.  These things, along with going to the gym, have really boosted my confidence in myself but I still struggle with some insecurities of course. I'm still unemployed, living at home, and don't have a car.  Most men don't want to date women in my position because of those things.  It's a shame because everyone is in different stages in life due to their walks with God AND those things are just temporary.  Plus, a lot of men nowadays want a bunch of marriage perks without the marriage commitment.  This includes a lot of supposed Christian men unfortunately, which just makes the search for a husband harder.  And, I'll admit it, some times I do get lonely and just want support from a man through a hug, a handhold, or some kind words.  It's something I long for but I don't want those things from just anyone one.  Regardless, I think it's time for me to gracefully bow out of dating for a while until the timing is better.  When will that be? I honestly have no idea, but I'm glad that God knows. 


   Well, what do you all think? Are some of you in the same boat and feel differently? Feel free to let me know what you think, especially if you have some experience and insights from God that I've missed.  Take care, D.W.D.I. Family! We'll chat again soon!


Love,
CCC

Who should help the less fortunate?

Hello D.W.D.I. Family!


   How are you all doing this morning? Me? I am doing alright.  It is a beautiful sunny day, I am alive, I have my family and my health so I cannot complain.  I am sitting here waiting for the library to open in the next few minutes so I can study so I figured I would catch up with you all.


  Okay, so am I the only person struggling with this question: Is it the government's role to help the poor or people who are struggling? One side says yes and the other says no.  There are downsides to both approaches.  There are people who are struggling who do not qualify for things like SNAP, WIC, Food Stamps, Medicaid, unemployment,  etc.  There are people who do qualify but abuse the system and just expect taxpayers to pay for them.  There are medical providers who overcharge the state and federal governments for unnecessary providers.  There are people who say the government is in a better position to supply aid to the poor.  There are people who say that charities and churches should help the poor and leave government out of it because it is a drain on state and federal budgets.  There are people who say that the church can better target need in local communities, not the government? Does that apply when it is hard economic times for many people and donations to churches and charities are usually affected? What about the people who have not gotten help from a church or who are too embarrassed to ask their church for help?  What about evidence that Medicare is more efficient than private care? What about people abroad in countries with famine, corruption, etc.?


     While I do not think I have Biblical support to answer the main question, I wholeheartedly agree that churches, charities, and followers of Christ should help the less fortunate.  It could be with monetary or food donations, volunteered time, or in any way because people need help or just need a break sometimes.  I know there is Biblical support for helping the less fortunate but does it extend to the duties of government (Click here for Biblical quotes by Jesus in The Huffington Post)?  The government, in my opinion, should most definitely provide basic services like clean water, clean air, trash removal, sanitation, etc., because it is in a much better position to provide those things,  but should it provide food, clothing, and shelter for the poor?  In my heart, I feel that the government should aid the poor but is that too much of a stretch? For me, I do not care how a family receives basic necessities as long as it has them, but is it right for me to feel this way? This is something that I struggle with and it is a topic of national debate.  I will add that I believe that the Church and Christians as a whole have to help more people.  I think this comes with giving ourselves to Christ.  We have to give more and more of ourselves to grow closer to God and to fulfill God's work here on earth.  I also think that this giving does include the giving of money.  I am definitely including myself in the "I need to give more" category because I can tell that since I have been concerned about paying for my insurance and my parents financial struggles I have given less, so I will start to turn this around and just trust that God will provide.  Additionally, when we accept Christ we become anew and changed forever by the mercy of God and the love of Jesus, does that not impact everything we do, including our jobs whether they are as politicians or as postal workers? Are we supposed to separate ourselves as Christians just to fit into some party ideology, or are we supposed to rise against the things of this world to bring heaven on earth?


Does anyone else have any thoughts on this?


   Well, I'd better head in to the library and get to work.  I will continue to ask these questions to God and wait for Him to reveal his answer.  If anyone has any thoughts on this, please feel free to express yourself in the comments section.   Take care and I will T.T.Y.S!


Love,
CCC

Never give up! Never surrender!*

*I love these cartoons so I could not resist using this picture for my latest entry :-)

Hey D.W.D.I. Family!

    How are you all doing? I hope you all are doing well and having productive days with rest and peace from the Holy Trinity.  I know I keep saying this but sorry I have been away for a minute.  I had to take care of myself for a bit before I could write to you guys and gals again.  What's going on? Okay, well, I'll be honest and tell you all the deal.

   Okay, I have battled depression on and off for years.  The depression started after a traumatic event and within a year and a half of the event I developed fibromyalgia.  I was doing fine until 2-3 weeks after the exam results (probably after my last blog entry).  I could just feel myself slipping into that familiar and uncomfortable sadness and despair.  At first I tried to ignore it and just pretend like everything was fine while I cried privately at night.  I did not and still have not told my parents about this episode because they already worry about me but a couple of friends know.  Fortunately, my friend in California and a great sermon at church on Sunday have helped to snap me out of this funk.  I know I am stressed over the exam and insurance and my hair coming out, but that depression was just playing on those emotions and anxieties.  I think the enemy was trying to convince me to harm myself and has been trying to do so since that traumatic event.  I hope I do not sound crazy right now because that would be a complete disservice to how God brought me out of this depression.  It really was nothing but His grace and His love sent through the words of my friend and my pastor that raised me from my "pit of despair" and I am so grateful and thankful for that.  I know that God watches over me, that Jesus is with me, and that the Holy Spirit dwells within me.  I keep saying those things because: 1) It is true and 2) We all need reminders.  I would encourage everyone to read Acts 2:14-30 to see how the Holy Spirit comforts us.  Also, according to the Holy Spirit via my pastor on Sunday, God's grace brings us to a point of afterward when He will pour out His Holy Spirit.  That is AMAZING to me.  We all have something in us that is a part of God that works within us before, during, and after the storms of our lives.  We just have to get through our lows to get to our resting points and our highs where God pours out even more blessings on us (it is already many blessings to get through the lows in the first place, trust me).  Plus, according to Ephesians 3:17-19, Jesus loves us SO MUCH (as does God and the Holy Spirit) no never feel alone and unloved.  This is what I had to remember this weekend so I could counteract the enemy's lies.

   Well, I hope you all will forgive my tardiness in my latest blog entry, but I hope that it is right on time for someone.  Please do not give up and keep fighting.  We are not alone in our struggles for God is with us always (Matthew 28: 18-20). I will not quit because it is really not about me but about God's glory in the end.  That does not mean I do not want to at times or do not think about it.  The point is to not quit fighting the enemy's attacks on us.  Prayer is crucial in this according to Matthew 18:18 for our words our powerful.  We just have to remember to take authority over these evils and to keep pressing on.

   Take care everyone and I will talk to you all soon!

Love,
CCC

Comfort just when I need it most

Hello D.W.D.I. Family!

    How are you all? I hope you all are doing well and having wonderful days, evenings, weeks, etc.!  How am I doing? I am okay.  I am hanging in there and just trying to make it.  Why?  Let me explain.

   Okay, so I failed that exam again.  Then, that "someone wonderful" disappeared on me.  I wondered if it is because he thinks I am a loser for failing that exam again and for being unemployed.  I honestly do not know, but I feel that just disappearing on someone is BEYOND CRUEL.  I still want to cry when I think of him and how I thought he cared for me and really saw me for who I am.  I get mad at myself for being a sucker and believing him.  I get mad at myself for not passing this exam, and I am stressed because I know I need to pass that exam this time because I will run out of money for insurance and I need health benefits A.S.A.P.  My family, I love them, but they are driving me NUTS about studying for this exam.  I just met a new guy who is a total sweetheart but I wonder if I am dating too soon.  And, my hair is coming out because of stress.  Everyone, including my well-meaning mother and supervisor keep trying to give me advice for passing that exam but it just makes me feel more self-conscious, like they think I have not passed because I am lazy or something.  UGH! Fortunately, my friend passed her exam.  Praise God for that because she needs her license to find a much better job.  I am so happy for her, but I soon realized that I was the only one out of my friends who still was not licensed and I just felt awful all over again.

  I worry about those things quite a bit, but less than I used to do.  I still feel like I take those stressors and anxiety triggers away from God which makes me feel awful when I do not have to feel that way.  Why? Because the Holy Spirit is here to comfort us as stated in the Book of Acts.

   Jesus rose from the dead during the Jewish holiday of Passover (see Exodus 12 where the last plague passed over the houses with lambs blood on their doors but killed the first born of those who had no blood on their doors (the Egyptians)).  He soon met with the apostles in the upper room (a room in a temple or a room in a house of one of the apostles) and instructed them to wait for the Holy Spirit to arrive.  The Holy Spirit arrived 50 days after Jesus' resurrection from the dead during the Jewish holiday of Pentecost (see Exodus 19 where this is the day when God gave Moses the Ten Commandments on Mount Sinai).  This is important that Jesus' resurrection and the arrival of the Holy Spirit coincide with Jewish holidays because it shows that Jesus came not to abolish the law of the Jews but to fulfill it and to give us the things God intended for us to have while we wait for Jesus to return to earth.  What are those things?  Let's look at John 14:16-21.

John 14
¹⁶ And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Counselor to be with you forever— ¹⁷the Spirit of truth. The world cannot accept him, because it neither sees him nor knows him. But you know him, for he lives with you and will be^[a] in you. ¹⁸ I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you. ¹⁹ Before long, the world will not see me anymore, but you will see me. Because I live, you also will live. ²⁰ On that day you will realize that I am in my Father, and you are in me, and I am in you. ²¹ Whoever has my commands and obeys them, he and is the one who loves me.He who loves me will be loved by my Father, and I too will love him and show myself to him."

Here, counselor can also mean comforter and friend according to a lesson by John Philips, Jr.  The meanings of friend and counselor are fairly straightforward but Philips adds that the word comfort means to "come alongside with strength." (See Philips' sermon here.)  But the Holy Spirit is not just beside us; it dwells within us according to Romans 8:11 and 1 Corinthians 3:16.  God lives in us to keep us, strengthen us, and to allow us to do His work if we only stop fighting His will and allow the Holy Spirit to move within us.  Well, I am working on that and I encourage you all to do so as well.  I know I had to just ask for the Holy Spirit to turn itself on in me today and I plan on doing that everyday so I can work towards having the joy and peace God wants me to have.  He wants that for all of us so let's work on getting there!

Alrighty, well, I need to do something with my hair and head to bed.  Good night, D.W.D.I. Family and take care!

Love,
CCC

The sun always comes out tomorrow!

Hello D.W.D.I. Family!
   
     Happy Saturday! I hope you all have been doing well and taking good care of yourselves and your fellow man.  Sorry I have not posted sooner.  My body is now on a fairly early bedtime schedule so as soon as I come home and either workout or help out my mother with cooking (or anything else around the house), I am ready for bed! LOL! How have I been doing otherwise? That's a good question and here's your answer:

     For the most part, I have been FABULOUS! Really, I have been!  The day of my last post was rough at first but I just decided that I am going to stop putting so much pressure on myself to be perfect and to try to make things happen my way and on my time.  I have to stop saying that I am the failure out of all of my friends and just focus on my path in life.  As soon as I realized that, it is like a HUGE WEIGHT was lifted off of my shoulders! Yes, I will, once again, have to retake that exam (I missed the pass mark by just a few points) but I will not be nearly as miserable because I am freeing myself from a lot of worry and stress.

     How did I do that, you ask? I just truly decided to give all of my burdens to God.

Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior, 
    who daily bears our burdens.  Psalms 68:19. 

 This is how we know that we love the children of God: by loving God and carrying out his commands. ³ In fact, this is love for God: to keep his commands. And his commands are not burdensome, ⁴ for everyone born of God overcomes the world. This is the victory that has overcome the world, even our faith.  1 John 5:2-4.  

I say truly because I think that sometimes I do not want to fully give my burdens up to Him because I think I can solve my own problems.  Or, in the alternative, that I do give Him the burdens but then take them back because I think I can solve those problems.  Neither of those choices is good or effective and it just makes life harder than it has to be.  When I decided to let go of those burdens, I just felt so much better.  I still feel so much better.  I feel like I can take on life and all of its twists and turns because I am no longer carrying the burden of failure on me 24-7-365.  Do those thoughts creep back up? Of course! Especially since that "someone wonderful" just disappeared.  Yep, disappeared.  As in I have not heard from him in 2 weeks despite my letting him know that I had failed and I needed support.  But,  it is for the best because he is not what I need because he clearly cannot support me or understand why I have this new peace.  I still feel free.  I know that despite all of this that I am still a nice person who is still blessed by God.  I know that this is temporary and that God will take care of me.  I just hope that you all realize this way sooner than I did :-)

Well, I have got to do some last minute Mother's Day shopping with my brother, work out some, and go on a date with a good Christian man :-)  I hope you all have wonderful Saturdays and very happy Mother's Days!

Love,
CCC

Well, I got my answer...

Hello D.W.D.I. Family!

   Happy Thursday! I hope you all are in good spirits and are having a great day.  How has my day been? Pretty not-so-good.  I found out I failed my exam again today.  I am sure the fibromyalgia is a significant factor due to the fatigue, brain fogs, and increased pain due to stress, but I do wonder if I am just not cut out to be in this profession.  It does get very hard to see other people succeed, many of whom who have no idea how blessed they are because they have not been in a difficult decision like dealing with constant health problems.  Honestly, I do feel like my life is still in limbo and I had really hoped to pass the exam this time to get a better paying job to pay back my student loans and to get more affordable health insurance.  Unfortunately, it did not happen that way.

    How do I feel? I feel hurt, disappointed, embarrassed, alone, exhausted and angry.  I have really tried and it just has not happened for me yet.  Most people pass this exam the first time and now I will be on time number 3.  I am taking it better this time than I did last time, but I would be lying to you all if I said I felt great.  I do not.  I am just trying to hang in there.  I will go into my internship tomorrow and make it through as best as I can.  That is all we can do as believers.  I do not understand God's plan right now and I am not happy with it right now to be perfectly honest.  But, fighting His plan will not work.  I wish I had a clue about what is going on and what all of this trials from graduate school and failing this exam mean, but I do not.  I just know that I am still blessed to be relatively healthy, to have food, clothing, shelter and family and friends that love me.  I am just trying to overcome my wounded pride and my life plans not working out like I wanted right now.  That is life but I just look forward to better days ahead and pray that they come soon.


   Well, I am going to try to rest and not to dwell on this too much (after I cry some more).  I just hope that people going through situations realize that there is still something good in all of the bad.  Take care and I will talk to you soon.

Love,
CCC

Waiting on the Lord's Answer to a long standing question

Hello D.W.D.I. Family!

   Happy Sunday! Okay, so yeah, remember that guy I wrote about? Well, okay, turns out we've had some misunderstandings and everything is okay for now.  It is difficult for me to just let go because I have strong feelings for him.  He seems to feel the same way.  I don't know what all will happen, but I do still plan to date other men and to take life one day at a time.  I seem to struggle with this when it comes to dating and when it comes to that stupid professional licensing exam.

   Speaking of that awful exam, the result come out this week. I battle feelings of dread, anxiousness, and nausea when I think about the last time I was in this position.  It does not help that everyone in my family is waiting for those results along with me! I do not believe that God lied to me and I do believe I will pass it.  The question is when will I pass it.  It was worse this time around and I have no idea of how it went.  I am just tired of feeling like I cannot move forward and put school behind me (which was AWFUL, by the way) until I pass this exam.  But, all we need is a mustard seed of faith, for God keeps his promises and always follows through.  He has plans to prosper us, not to harm us.  We just have to remind ourselves of these things and take our walks with Him one day at a time.  I do not want to settle for any less than God has in store for me but some lessons take longer to learn than others.  So if you feel the same way, you are not alone.  I am here struggling right alone with you and we are in this together :-)

   To remind ourselves of this, I am posting Wait on the Lord by Donnie McClurkin and Karen Clark Sheard and Walking by Mary Mary.  Enjoy!

Well, I will let you all enjoy the rest of your Sundays.  Take care.  Get lots of rest.  Keep in touch with God and with your loved ones.  TTYS, D.W.D.I. Family!

Love,
CCC

Upon examination of a bad situation, I still made it out just fine

Hello D.W.D.I. Family!

    Happy Sunday! I pray that you all are doing well and enjoying the sabbath! Today, I just wanted to write about my self-esteem post break-up.  I guess it was a break-up? Well, "someone wonderful" and I are done.  I ended this time after way too much frustration.  Unlike last time where he dumped me via text because he did not want to hurt me (his words, not mine), this time I felt that nothing had changed.  He still prioritized housework and his friends over spending time with me.  Nothing wrong with either, but if we have plans and you cancel them because of something with your friends or you just ignore me to do your house work, then I have a HUGE problem with that.  What person would not? I just could not, and still cannot, understand why you would seek me out to try a relationship again YET do even worse this time than the last time! What on earth was he thinking?! Even after I told him how it made me feel nothing changed! The behavior did not make any sense, especially sense he said that he thought that I was still "too good for him" when we started talking again.  Unfortunately, the only solution I can come up with after Googling answers, talking with a friend, and my own reflection is that he is just not serious about me.

   OUCH! Yeah, it does hurt to realize that someone I cared for and gave another chance treated me like this.   It was just way more stress than I could deal with, especially when he stopped replying to my messages.  I did cry (just being honest), but honestly, the only mistakes I made were being too nice and giving him another chance.  I hate that he blew it.  He is still not serious and he wasted my time.  He will not have a third chance.  No more than two chances in my opinion.  If someone still cannot get it right after being without me for a period, then that someone does not deserve me and I deserve way better.  Yes, I ended via text ONLY because I knew he would not answer my calls and I had a hard enough time trying to meet with him when we were on good terms.  I have had to realize that his priorities are messed up and that I am just fine.  He claimed he would do better as far as spending time with me and going to church.  Neither happened.  This time, I made this decision for me after thinking about what I want in a mate.  Additionally, the following scripture from 2 Corinthians 13:5-10 just seems to confirm that I made the right decision:

 ⁵ Examine yourselves to see whether you are in the faith; test yourselves. Do you not realize that Christ Jesus is in you—unless, of course, you fail the test? ⁶ And I trust that you will discover that we have not failed the test. ⁷ Now we pray to God that you will not do anything wrong—not so that people will see that we have stood the test but so that you will do what is right even though we may seem to have failed. ⁸ For we cannot do anything against the truth, but only for the truth.⁹ We are glad whenever we are weak but you are strong; and our prayer is that you may be fully restored. ¹⁰ This is why I write these things when I am absent, that when I come I may not have to be harsh in my use of authority—the authority the Lord gave me for building you up, not for tearing you down.

      Yes, I am hurt but I am not brokenhearted like I was when he dumped me.  While it does give me a bit of satisfaction to know that I beat him to the punch, it is far more important that I looked within myself and evaluated his actions of continuously canceling dates and not making time for me.  No man worth his salt would just ignore someone he cared about, especially not a man who takes his relationship with God and his interactions with the children of God seriously.  If someone has done that to you, it is best to put them out of your life.  Yes, people do change, but I know it will not be the case for this guy because his actions spoke far louder than his words.   It is VITAL that we as Christians constantly test ourselves and others to see if we should have continued interactions with someone or to continue on a certain course of actions.  I am so thankful that I continued to pray about this guy and that I have an answer.  I really feel that I can move on to what God has in store for me in the future now that that chapter is permanently closed.  I hope you all can one day feel the same about other hurtful situations in your lives as well.  I also hope to one day write about a wonderful, mature, and selfless man in my life and to say that this is the man who is meant for me.  Hopefully he is out there waiting on me, too.  I totally do not want to seem like a Debbie Downer, but I think it is important that I am honest with you all about my experiences as a Christian, full figured, educated, and minority woman in this day and age.  People need to see that Christians are real people, too, with real problems and real struggles.  Thankfully, I have other things to focus on, and I am sure that you all do, too!

*Group hug*

Well, I am tired and not feeling that great so I am going to nap.  Enjoy the rest of your Sunday, D.W.D.I. Family! We will chat soon!

Love,
CCC

For the love of money*, or for at least not being broke the rest of my life :-)

*In reference to the song by the O'Jays.  The song describes what people will do for money, even going to extremes for the "almighty dollar."

Hello DWDI Family,

      Happy Tuesday!!!

    Okay, so after a series of unfortunate illnesses, including one from which I am STILL recovering, I am now able to write to you again.  YAY! I have missed each and every one of you! *hugs* I hope you all and your families have been doing well!

    Now, on to business.  So, as a recent graduate of graduate school, I have been flat broke for many years while getting my degrees.  Actually, longer than that as my family is nowhere near wealthy, but now especially since my dad is disabled and can no longer work.  I have not had a lot of things that a lot of people have had, but I have always had a family that loves me and the ability to appreciate the little things.  I also appreciate the value of a hard earned dollar and do more saving than spending, but my money insurance payments have almost wiped out my savings.  This is with my parents pitching in to pay for the bulk of the cost, which is a financial burden on them.

   While I await my professional examination results again (UGH), I continuously apply for jobs but only get interview calls for things not in my profession.  I really hope to get a job soon so I can stop paying for COBRA (yes, it is EXPENSIVE, but I have to have insurance for my fibromyalgia and depression medication).  It would be nice to FINALLY have my own car.  Yes, there are still adults who do not have one given to them by their parents.  No, I am not the only one as I have friends in the same position.  The fear of never paying off my student loans creeps in, especially given the toxic political environment and the lack of sympathy some people have for graduates looking for jobs. Plus, I thought, what guy in his right mind wants to marry me when I owe X number of dollars in student debt? Unlike many in my profession, I have never wanted an extravagant lifestyle.  I just wanted to pay my debts, buy a reasonably priced used vehicle, and get my own place.  I had been placing a TON of pressure on myself to look for jobs outside of my profession just to earn some money to replenish my sad-looking bank account.  I was at the point where I have applied for jobs I am way overqualified for and do not pay much.  But, I have had a breakthrough.

³³ Listen to my instruction and be wise; do not disregard it. ³⁴ Blessed are those who listen to me, watching daily at my doors,  waiting at my doorway. ³⁵ For those who find me find life and receive favor from the LORD.

-Proverbs 8:33-35. 

 
     Once again, God's timing is better than mine.  Given my recent rash of illnesses, it would have been a serious problem if I had just started a "real" job. My supervisor and the people I work with at my internship are very nice and willing to help me, which I needed yesterday at work when I got sick...again.  Plus, the last thing I wants to do is to get into a job where people take advantage of my naiveté and not properly compensate me/promote me.  I do not want to settle for something less than what God intends and I have to trust that He will take care of me.  I have to trust that despite those misgivings that show up, that waiting for Him to move is the best thing for me.  Money is not everything.  It is more important to be content in Him than to have all the money in the world.  Waiting is so easy yet so hard to do! Am I right, D.W.D.I. Family? Leave a comment and let me know what you think!

Take care and I will talk to you all soon!

Love,
CCC

Recap

Hello and Happy Easter DWDI Family!

   I apologize for being M.I.A. (missing in action)! I have been fairly busy and tired as of late so let me recap what is going on:

• Started back at my internship again for the next couple of months.  My supervisor and her co-workers are fabulous so it is great to be back.  Sometimes, I feel like I am like a cockroach they cannot get rid of because I go away for a couple of months and then come back.  Not to mention that I am the longest running intern at the place in history! 
• Talking to that "someone wonderful" again.  I think he likes me but our communication sometimes is less than desirable at times.  I realize that I have to be less available so he will chase me.  SMH (shaking my head) that people have to play games! I did not know it could be so difficult to just spend time with someone! Also, when praying about it, why did I hear something/feel something tell me that this guy is the one and I have to be patient with him? HUH?! I instantly panicked and asked God for wisdom and discernment so I can know the difference between Him telling me something and my brain telling me something that sounds good.  So, I am just backing away and letting him come to me.  I also let him know that I will see other guys but now I need to make that happen so he does not get complacent..UGH!
• Still looking for a job.  ANY DECENT JOB WITH BENEFITS.  My graduate degree is not working so I am looking for anything somewhat similar to what I studied in either undergrad or graduate school.  It is not looking pretty right now but I just go out on faith that something will come through.
• Still working out with zumba/walking/light weights! I am so proud of myself for keeping it up and people can tell I have lost weight.  Am I trying to get out of the plus sizes? Absolutely not! I just want to get in better shape and have less weight to carry because some of my fibromyalgia symptoms have decreased! YAY, GOD!
• My mother and I have somehow managed to get my almost-teen brother to pass all of his classes despite his months of slacking.  That took up so much time family! Not everyone has to go to college, especially if he does not want to, but failing a grade is beyond unacceptable.  I think having to really, REALLY, REALLY push my brother may be a recurring theme.  It is just so stressful to think that I somehow failed him and to realize that he does not have a clue about life and why he needs to care about school.

Well, these things have kept me busy for a good while.  By the end of the day, I usually fall asleep.  I am so sorry I was away for so long and you all more than deserve an explanation.  Throughout all of this, I have learned that patience is so important.  Letting go and letting God do His work is hard, and it may be harder for me to do than for others because I like to take charge of things.  These past couple of weeks have taught me that I cannot do that, either for myself or for other people.  What I can do is to pray and to listen out for God. I can tithe and I can go to church (this has be lacking as of late due to fatigue and will be a later post).  I can avoid situations and step away from things before I cause anymore damage (also another post).  As long as I learn something at the end of the day, then I count it as a victory.  You should, too!  

Good night DWDI Fam! I will TTYS (talk to you soon)!

Love,

CCC

Whoo, Imma stay saved!*

*Inspired by the fabulous song by Gospel singer Canton Jones! This is totally how I felt at the beginning of my phone call.

Hey DWDI Family!

Okay, so I have to take a couple of prescriptions, including one for my fibromyalgia.  To save some moolah, I decided to transfer one to another pharmacy online a week ago.  I received an email confirmation for the transfer, but had not heard anything.  I called about an hour ago to follow up and the pharmacy had no record of my prescription.  I was slightly annoyed, but it wasn't the girl's fault on the phone, so I stayed calm.  She put me on hold, so I held.  And held.  And held.  And HELD.  AND HELD.  I then called back twice to talk to someone and the calls were disconnected.  Okay, I had to take a few breaths and vent to a friend before I called back.  Fortunately, I was calm and I got someone else on the phone who was SUPER NICE and helpful. Prescription transfered! YAY!

It is so important to be courteous and respectful to people who work to help us, even when they are not to us.  I have learned this over the years and it makes a big difference in getting things done.  Sometimes we have to be patient and keep acting as Christ would, even when we do not want to so we can get our goals accomplished.

Okay, I hope you all enjoy the rest of your evening! I will talk to you all soon!

Love,
CCC

Both of my fathers know best :-)

Good morning DWDI Family!

Well, I did mention that I was trying to plan out the next steps of my life post-examination.  Well, in my haste, I have applied to a series of jobs for which I am either: a) overqualified based on education; b) unqualified for based on experience; c) a combination of a and b (yeah, I did not know this existed either); or d) something TOTALLY UNRELATED to either my undergraduate major or my graduate school degree.

It has been an interesting experience to say the least.  I tend to get contacts to sell insurance or makeup.  There is nothing wrong with selling either product, but I realize that I do not want go into sales.  I got an interview for today for a writing position with benefits (YAY), but the pay is low.  Plus, my parents, especially my dad, were concerned that it could hinder future job prospects in my actual course of study.  Honestly, I figured in this economy that employers would be more forgiving of "random" jobs.  I guess not?

Well, Mom had to leave and Dad further emphasized/talked to me about why I was just looking for any job.  I then got a long testimony about how I need to wait on the Lord and just go back to interning until I find our my test results in a few weeks.  I think this is the best course of action for me, both financially (I will get a paycheck sooner from the internship than from the job) and professionally.  The hard part is just waiting, ESPECIALLY since I totally failed that last test.  It is hard because I felt like I waited on God the last time and He allowed me to failed.  It is just the truth.  It is taken me a long time to admit and to accept that, but God allowed me to fail.  He allowed my friend to fail.  We do not know why, but guess what? A LOT OF PEOPLE FAIL AT A LOT OF DIFFERENT THINGS.  Failure determines your character, your determination, and your faith in God for His plan for you, me, my friend, my dad and everyone.  Dad was totally right on that point but God is ALWAYS RIGHT ALL OF THE TIME.  Sometimes it is just about getting mature enough or out of a storm enough to see that.  His words, which I 100% believe come from God, were exactly what I needed to hear.  This is a moment I will always appreciate and a life lesson I hope to pass on to my kids one day, but it can totally benefit you all today! YAY!!!!!

LOL, Dad also mentioned that I should not do online dating again.  He was totally not a fan of it.  Based on my experiences, I am not a fan of it for myself so I disabled my paid account (only old men were hitting on me on there) and my free one.

• The last guy that tried to talk to me (Protestant, a strong Christian, and a "nice guy") on the free site later backed out of our date.  It was against my better judgment to talk to him anyways because of his age, a couple of years younger than me, and it bothered him more than me to the point where he did not talk to me for 2 months.  He messaged me out of the blue and asked me out.  I agreed to be nice and to give him a fair shot.  Too bad he liked the 2 other girls he went out with that week so he decided to cancel our date.  He did say that I could email him if I wanted and that if he were truly single that I would be the first girl he messaged. Excuse me?! Sorry, but that was just dumb and immature.  Why ask me out then just to back out, then expect me to wait around for you? DWDI Family, I have no intention of EVER waiting on someone to date me when they are "ready."  I also do not plan on ever talking to any more younger guys without SUBSTANTIAL proof that he is not a jerk.  
• The "someone wonderful" and I had a slight text war today.  We apologized later.  I do not know how that will work but I am tired of worrying about it.  

Well, I am back to waiting on the Lord on everything.  I believe it will make my life less stressful.  More time to do other things and to take life as it comes :-) All thanks to my dads!

Alright, it is time for bed since my headache is fading.  Have a happy day and stay "too blessed to be stressed"!

Love, 

CCC

We have got to do better, Christians: Tithing and supporting our churches

Hey DWDI Family,

    I hope you all are having a wonderful weekend so far!  I read the following article a few days ago and I feel like I needed to say something about it: Reuters: Banks foreclosing on churches in record numbers.
The comments at the end of this article made me particularly angry.  People were faulting the churches for their financial problems when there is plenty of blame to go around in my opinion.  Some of you, or many of you, may disagree with what I am about to say, but I do not intend to hold my tongue on this matter.

     Firstly, based on Ephesians 3:9-11, the Church, the believers of Christ, has a mission to help everyone know God and His purpose for everything and everyone by accepting Jesus as Lord and Savior.  Since churches have a mission to get as many people saved as they possibly can by ministering the Gospel, or the good news that we are saved by the blood of Jesus and can have eternal life in Heaven by accepting Jesus, it is natural that their congregations will outgrow their existing facilities if they are handling Kingdom business (a.k.a. God's expectation of us to spread the Gospel and to strive to live as Christ lived as we anticipate Jesus's return back to earth).  To accommodate their growing congregations, it is natural and expected that churches would take out loans to expand their church buildings.  I attend a large church where our leadership had the funds to pay for expansions as it could afford and our congregation, including myself, committed to continuing to tithe to make that possible.  Not every church has members who prioritize tithing or who can tithe enough to facilitate an expansion, especially small churches in working class or poor neighborhoods in this economy.  Plus, the loans were to help spread the Gospel by accommodating more members, not as a measure of boasting or anything of that nature.  The increased membership should, in theory, help to pay for the expansion.  And, bringing more people to church and to Christ is a return investment you cannot measure in monetary terms; it is priceless.

     The fact that churches are being foreclosed on really hurts my heart.  It is horrible that so many people nowadays are losing their homes because of foreclosure.  To me, it is even worse that people are losing their spiritual homes to foreclosure for similar reasons.  Personally, I do not know why any lender in their right mind would give a church a balloon loan, where there are small payments for a certain period of time (way less than the 30-40 years people get for mortgages) and then one HUGE payment at the end of the loan.  Given the fluctuations in church congregations' income, why sell a church that kind of a financial product? Would it not be the best thing for everyone one involved to set up reasonable, fixed, monthly payments that are the same amount? Would it not be the best thing for everyone involve to extend the life of the loan so churches could have more time to repay the loan amount and have smaller monthly payments? Yes, some churches should have shopped around more for better loans,  but if there are lenders who have made a business out of loaning money to churches, you would think that those companies would have factored in my considerations before lending to churches if they were really concerned about churches paying back those loans.  No, no one should escape payment obligations but I think lenders should work more with churches and homeowners to prevent foreclosures (and with students, too, to prevent loan defaults, but that is another story).  Housing foreclosures hurt neighborhoods via declining property values.  Losing churches to foreclosures hurts neighborhoods and hinders the mission Paul gave to churches in Ephesians 3:9-11.  If your church is in that situation, I would strongly encourage you to seek help and guidance from God on what to do and to be led by Him.  If you want me to help through prayer (that is probably all I can offer and the BEST thing I can offer), please contact me and let me know.

   Speaking of not escaping payment obligations, Christians NEED to pay their tithes.   Look at Genesis 4: 1-7, Deuteronomy 14: 22-23, Numbers 18: 27-29, and Malachi 3:6-12.  Believers have always had an obligation to give their first fruits to God.  It shows we are good stewards of what He has given us (it is not our money anyways) AND we are giving to help further the church's mission to bring people to Christ.  We give away part of something that does not belong to us to benefit our future members of the body of Christ.  Some part of tithes goes to facities expansion and infrastructure (churches need things like running water, electricity, and a reasonably paid pastor), but that money also goes to help the poor among us and to missions work here and abroad.  While it not tithing does not change your salvation through Jesus, things work out so much better when you do tithe.  It means that you are obedient and that you have really made him Lord over your life. It means that you are a good steward over what God has given you and that He can trust you with even more blessings.  And, it means that churches do not end up in financial binds or unable further their ministries because of a lack of funds.  You give to something that means more than yourself and you give it JOYFULLY because you realize that.  I do get SUPER IRRITATED when I realize how little I have to give, but still give it anyways JOYFULLY because I could have nothing, but I see people I know with more who never tithe and do not feel the need to do so (this includes some of my own family members, by the way).  It is for something way more important than what we could spend it on! It does not stop me from doing so and I just hope to lead by example because chastizing has not worked.  You give in faith expectancy of God seeing your stewardship and taking care of you for having been obedient, even if you cannot see how He will do so.  That is what we do as Christians because we live by faith and not by sight.  Plus, you cannot shortchange God and not expect Him to take notice of that in the blessings department.  I am just saying...

   Well, I hope this was not too much of a rant, but I do believe that this post needs to be here.  Everything I wrote I wrote out of love for you all and out of love for God.  If anything on this post changes one person's mind about tithing, then my being led to write this post was well worth it.  We have too much to do and too little time to do it in for God's glory so let us do our best with what we have to make God's wisdom and purpose through Jesus known.  Have a good rest of your weekend, DWDI Family, and I will talk to you all soon!

Love,
CCC

Why do these things keep happening?!

Hi DWDI Family!


    I am back from the land of the professional licensing exam (again)! Praise God! Praise Jesus! Hallelujah! It feels SO GOOD to get that albatross from around my neck and that weight off of my shoulders! I feel like I am  starting to get my life back from that awful exam.  It feels so good to be able to go outside and enjoy a nice day or enjoy blogging to you all again!


   How was the exam for me and for my friend who was also retaking the exam so she can escape a horrible job? It was RUFF-RUFF-ROUGH, lol! I kept looking around before each session because I could not believe that I had to re-take the exam.  And, that test was hard, oh my goodness! It was impossible for us (and almost everyone else) to remember everything we're supposed to know.  And, of course, we both got questions that were ridiculous and we had no clue how to answer them! I personally had to ask the person proctoring my exam if I could have a few extra minutes to pray and to "get myself together" before the test because I was so frazzled and exhausted both from studying and having to go through that whole process again. I had to take prescription medication and herbal supplements just to have enough energy to make it through all of the sessions because of the fibromyalgia.  I also had trouble sleeping at night because of a nearby busy highway and a never-ending train at my hotel.  On the last day, I almost a had breakdown and cried during an exam break, but I am so glad I did not and just focused on reviewing instead despite my shaking hands.  My poor friend caught the flu, sprained her ankle, and had food poisoning from her hotel food during the test! By the end, my friend and I were so tired and so relieved to be done and to have overcome those obstacles.  


   Why did my friend and I have such a hard time during the exam? Why have my friend and I and many other people had such a hard time in general? I honestly do not know about all of it.  Some of our difficult times are because God tests us (Deuteronomy 8:1-3) out of love to humble us so we are better prepared for other things to come.  Other things are attacks from the enemy or satan (I refuse to capitalize the enemy's name for he does not deserve such respect), for he comes to steal, kill and destroy(John 10:9-11).  The enemy lies to deceive us and uses others (both demons (Luke 4:31-37) and people who allow the enemy to use them through sin (Judges 16: 1-22; Matthew 26:1-5, 14-16) to harm us and prevent us from obeying God and receiving God's blessings for our lives.  I am so glad that we are not alone because we have God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit to guide us and to protect us from such attacks!  Pray for Jesus to heal you and your loved ones (Acts 3:16).  Pray to God and ask Him to cover you and your loved ones every day with His protection (Joshua 24:16-18).  Talk to God and just let Him know what is going on with you.  Listen for the Holy Spirit to reveal things to you (Luke 2:25-27).  Make sure you are obedient because God is likely trying to tell you (and me) something for our good and His glory.  Believe me, I was doing my best to do all of these things and to read my Bible at night to keep my sanity.


   Well, I am going to continue to rest and recover from my test exhaustion and unpacking/straightening up at home.  Keep your heads up and stay faithful throughout your trials for God is always with us! Have a great day and I'll talk to you soon, DWDI Family!


Love,
CCC